Behaviors make sense. “Not in addiction,” you say.  But they do, and without understanding this fundamental fact you won’t be able to help your loved one.

The common refrains from parents or family members of an individual struggling with substance abuse or addictive behavior goes something like this:

• Why is she doing this?

• Substance use is self-destructive—and crazy!

• Doesn’t he know how much this hurts us?!

• What was she thinking?

• IT MAKES NO SENSE!

Not everything makes sense to everyone. But if you use a different lens you will understand that even addictive behavior makes sense—to the user.

I had a professor in grad school who said that people repeatedly used substances because they had an attack of common sense.  Huh? Look, if you had a headache and took two aspirins and the headache went away, next time you had a headache you’d take two more.  If a behavior is reinforced (i.e. positive outcome) you will repeat the behavior, right? You bet.

Let’s say you suffer from depression, or boredom, or low self-esteem, or anxiety,  or had social fears.  Or maybe you wanted to be funny, feel connected, lose weight or sleep at night.  And what if I offered you a substance to help you with one or more of these desires, and it worked, repeatedly? Wouldn’t you do it again?  And again?  Alcohol and other drugs are powerful reinforcers because they cause more powerful neurochemical changes in the brain than normal activities.

When you learn to understand exactly what benefit your loved obtains from using, now you have context to engage him in a conversation, develop empathy and reduce their shame.  It doesn’t matter if it makes sense to you, but it does matter if you can understand why it makes sense to him. 

The Invitation to Change approach empowers family members with communication skills to engage their loved one in a way that gets results.  I’ll warn you, it takes practice.  But if what you’re doing now isn’t working, then it’s time to make a change.  

You don’t have to wait until she hits “rock bottom”.  You can begin to help today.